A dinner party with your boss, a mistress and two homeless people. Nothing could possibly go wrong here…
Tis Better to be Vile Than Vile Esteem’d
by Terry Dugan
Copyright © 1996, 2008
This play can be performed royalty-free. As a courtesy, please contact the author.
Cast of characters
ROBERT, man seeking a promotion
AMY, wife of ROBERT
RICHARD, CEO of Happy Helper Toilet Supply Company
DONNA, dinner date of RICHARD
ANDREA, a homeless person with multiple-personality disorder
TED, paranoid husband of ANDREA
Scene 1
SCENE: ROBERT and AMY’s home. Most of the
action takes place at their dining table and small kitchen.
AT RISE: Amy Gladstone is making preparations
for a dinner. Robert, her husband, enters with an unmade tie around his neck.
AMY
What we need is a divorce.
ROBERT
What was that?
AMY
I said, “Of course.” Of course I’ll help. College graduate can’t tie his own tie. That’s what you get when you major in helplessness.
ROBERT
If you’ll recall, I majored in being miserable, then I married you. At least I’m doing something with my education.
AMY
Mr. Hlava called while you were in the shower. He’s an hour away, which gives us enough time to break in my new nightie.
ROBERT
Break it into what?
AMY
Then we can go back to arguing for the remaining 57 minutes.
ROBERT
I have a lot on my mind and none of those things is sex with you.
AMY
You know how to make a girl feel special.
ROBERT
Get over it. If I don’t get this promotion, I don’t know what I’m going to do.
AMY
You meant “we.”
ROBERT
Yeah, that’s what I said. Focus.
AMY
Well I’m sorry for trying to distract you with my ferocious vagina.
ROBERT
It’s not that distracting.
AMY
It’s this uncontrollable, hungry animal. It needs fed, Robert. It’ll eat anything at this stage, even your dick.
ROBERT
Fasting was good enough for Jesus.
AMY
So was getting nailed to a cross.
ROBERT
I don’t get it.
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