The Dilettantes

There’s nothing annoying about people taking pictures of paintings, and these two think they’re the best at it.


The Dilettantes
by Terry Dugan
Copyright © 2009

This play can be performed royalty-free. As a courtesy, please contact the author.

Cast of characters
WILLIS, a man with a camera
HARRISON, his friend
CAMERAMAN, a man with a bigger camera
The VIEWER, a connoisseur
STATUE, a naked female statue
SECURITY guards 1-4

SCENE: An art museum. Two blank, vertical canvases, most likely suspended from the “ceiling” are on opposite ends of the stage and facing the audience. A bench is placed in the center, near the apron. Images of works of art are projected onto the blank canvases. When The Dilettantes visit a piece of art, the other half of the stage goes black, but instead of simply cutting the stage in half, the light should be angled so that the entire bench is in the light whether The Dilettantes are visiting the artwork on stage left or stage right. Regardless of the specific staging or type of bench, The Dilettantes will never sit on the bench to look at the art, only to look at the audience or to address each other.

AT RISE: The light comes up on the painting at stage left. A SECURITY guard sits on a stool in the darkness at the back of the stage. The Dilettantes are heard from off-stage as they begin their entrance through the darkness and to the bench.

HARRISON
Willis, hurry up!

WILLIS
I’m hurrying.

(HARRISON enters.)

HARRISON
We’ve got 1,000 paintings to see and only an hour in which to do it. We must get moving!

(WILLIS enters.)

WILLIS
I’m tired.

HARRISON
From what?

WILLIS
The stairs.

HARRISON
The stairs?

WILLIS
The stairs.

HARRISON
We can rest for 30 seconds.

(They sit and face the audience.)

WILLIS
How many paintings did you say there were?

HARRISON
One thousand.

WILLIS
But my camera will only hold 950 pictures.

HARRISON
You’ll have to be selective, then.

WILLIS
But these are some of the greatest works of art of all time, and I paid full admission price, not 95% of it.

HARRISON
Maybe we can, somehow, get two paintings into one shot.

WILLIS
And do that 50 times?

HARRISON
And do that 50 times.

WILLIS
Harrison, you’re a genius.

HARRISON
Willis, you are observant. Shall we admire some art?

WILLIS
Lead the way, my friend.

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